With A Leap Of Faith

Not to be a Debbie downer or anything, but I think this post shall be a serious post after all, when I first started this blog it was full of seriousness. Just think of it as returning to Life Not So Fab's roots.

Some of you know (if you follow me on Twitter) that I have been listening to Adele's 21 Cd every single day since I bought it, and every song on that album has resonated with me. It's been 2 years since my last significant relationship, and it has taken me that long to come to terms with everything. I mean for goodness sake I was still crying at the sound of his name a year later over 2 for 1's at Fridays. He broke me pretty badly I'd have to say.

You might be saying to yourself, "why did it take her so long?" I'll tell you why, it was because I was in love. Truly, madly, and deeply. I never believed that if one is truly in love with someone that they could just get over them just like that. I could also say that another factor is because there are still a lot of questions unanswered.

I completely took pride in knowing that I would be fine in life without someone to love, but what kind of life is that really? I loved being in love. Why wouldn't I want that for the rest of my life? Love in its purest form is the MOST incredible feeling to ever be felt, but I'm afraid of love now.

When I choose to love someone from an intimate standpoint, I give my all and expect no less in return. Do you know how hard it is for me to do that? I am well aware that I have become completely guarded, and highly sarcastic because of the hands I've been dealt in my relationships. I used to be a lot more open, but now I tread lightly. I know this directly correlates with my none intimate relationships as well.

I don't want to like you, nor do I want to love you because I always seem to get hurt. I actively try not to cultivate relationships with anybody, but there are those that slip through and make me realize that sometimes you just have to jump with a leap of faith.

I hide a lot of myself behind jokes, teasing, and my sarcasm so much so sometimes people can't decide whether I am being honest or not. I'm not trying to say that I am being fake at all, I'm just not the person that I used to be. The girl that believed that everyone had the best intentions. The girl who would give you her last. She's long gone.

When I listen to the track, 'One and Only' on Adele's Cd, I feel as though the song is speaking the words of my heart. "You'll never know if you never try to forgive your past and simply be mine." It has taken me 2 years to forgive my past, and now I'm ready to love. I'll always be scared, who isn't afraid to love? Hearts break and mend all of the time.

I will never be the kind of girl who could be with someone just for the hell of it, or just for sex. I don't want that. It's not in me. If I'm giving you one piece of me, I'm giving you everything. I don't half-ass my life, nor my heart. No disrespect to those of you reading who are able to set aside feelings for enjoyment. 

I want the right love not the right now kind of love. I want the kind of love that kisses your soul, because to kiss the soul, is to have a love that transcends time rather than for a moment.

Thanks always for reading. 

xOxO~

Shenna